Tarot notes (to hopefully build a whole personal guide one day)
Why is this happening?
9 cups
Desire fulfillment
"Getting what you want"
Expectations
Performance
Output
The Devil ®
Breaking dependency (in progress)
Reclaiming control
Breaking of chains
Detach from something unhealthy
2 of wands
Choosing / Decision
First steps
Horizon
Transformation
Forward
Material to make designs come true
Decide → meaning I am allowed to make a decision, to chose what feels good for me
- Stop complying and actually choose
- Take the first step
- The process of stepping out has already begun, but it requires a firm choice and action
How to confront this person
Death
End of a cycle
Transformation
Change terms completely
Structure shifts
5 of cups
Acceptance
Move on
Release
Upright its chances to salvage, reversed says pull yourself out of the situation by looking forward
Non- emotional approach
Remove guilt out of the equation
Queen of pentacles
Practicality
Grounded, calm, and matter of fact
Mature and certain → polite, firm, solution oriented
- It's not "endure = right," it's "handle it differently"
- Change terms (Death); Remove guilt (5 of cups ®); Act from stability not pressure (Queen of pentacles)
What does it mean for me if I stand on my decision?
Wheel of Fortune ®
Setbacks
The wheel is down
Inconvenience
Misalignment
Feeling of "going against the flow"
- Expect resistance and friction from the system
- She will push back, not get it, set obstacles
- No external validation from the boundary
King of swords ®
Criticism
Cruelty
Miscommunication
Interpreted as: stubborn, dismissive, "doesn’t respect instruction"
Choose integrity (!)
Be rational
Sound like management and not rejection. No bluntness, no visible frustration
Knight of cups
Diplomacy (★)
Calm, polite, composed
Emotionally controlled, not reactive → controlled assertion
- The lesson is holding a boundary in a system that does not and will not accommodate without damaging your image → if you do, the pattern breaks (Devil ®)
Outcome
Comply (the lesson is 'growth') → 2 of swords
Stalemate
The temporary solution state card
Disconnection
Shows exactly what it would be, plain compliance with nothing nurturing in it. Compliance can never be a lesson
Core structure of the card
Blindfold → suppression of internal signals
Crossed swords → mental override / defensive blocking / holding despite the toll, almost like a stress position (the holding is not resilience, it's a blockage)
Still water → contained emotion, not processed, suspension (nothing gets resolved)
Stalemate posture → no real movement, just holding tension (and for what? she's not worthy, this is not worthy, this is not something that will become the core of what I am actually here to pursue. Just her selfish interests)
- This is not going to be "overcoming anxiety" but overriding my own discomfort and priorities for someone who only cares for herself. Maintaining that external harmony is not my job, not at the cost of my own peace
Emotional suppression
Cognitive override ("just do it")
False neutrality ("it’s fine, I’ll handle it")
Avoidance disguised as action
Internal-external split
- Reinforcement of the pattern: "ignore discomfort → comply → survive"
- It basically says "disconnect from yourself to function" Doing that it's not bravery, it’s controlled self-silencing
Set the boundary and stand by it → 10 of pentacles ®
Is it worth the investment?
Friction
Misfit
Relationship with system and authority becomes less smooth
Disapproval
Upright → system, institution, long-term stability, "this is how things are done"
Reversed → misfit within system, deviation from expected path, breaking alignment
Non-conformity within structure (★)
Rejecting inefficient norms
Misalignment with institutional values
Self-directed prioritization
Trading belonging for autonomy
- "Learn how to exist inside a system without fully submitting to it"
- It means selective compliance, strategic deviation, maintaining output while altering method
- At it's core is choosing between yourself or the system and believing whatever consequences are orchestrated afterward are worth it. Also hints that this is a position I will have to maintained as it will be expected for me to give in eventually.
- Basically:
Option A:
Adapt myself to the system, even if it means disconnecting from my limits.
Option B:
Adapt response to the way I operate within the system, even if it creates friction
I am sick of this place and I have reached my limit of blind compliance, especially as time has shown this teacher's real face.
My deck enjoys storytelling in case you couldn't tell already, they always keep the structure of Past → Present → Future or Reason → Situation → Outcome. My favorite thing is that they don't hold back, I know they won't paint a nicer picture, I do that enough, so they are my call to reconnect and be for real.
One card readings are... interesting as well, but fundamentally different as seen in my 'Outcome' questions. They are mostly my choice. If the deck is going to choose, many cards will come flying each time.
It's also rarely a matter of the deck 'answering wrong,' it's mostly just a poorly worded question (I reworded the last reading twice before I got an answer for what I really asked).
Anyways, each day is a day closer to leaving this place. For now, I can only choose to take it easy and learn to not feel ashamed about my boundaries. To set them is already a daunting process, to set them in a language that is not yours and in a culture that truly believes 吃虧就是佔便宜 and that a student must always comply is simply terrifying. One single word choice changes the whole tone and it turns into ammunition, which makes me a bit more nervous seeing the key to minimize all the scheming that can be expected from someone as childish and desperate for authority as this teacher is the Knight of Cups.
I will go to the PX before it starts raining dogs. Starbucks tomorrow probably because the park is turned into a small businesses' fair and 河邊公園 is a bit of a walk. I don't know, I'll see. Today I spent all the day sleeping, talking to my deck and sorting the answers out (a digital version of all these notes was much needed, I have years of them but only the future ones will get digitalized).
Love,
Me.