Female friendships
There's nothing erotic, or romantic, about the overwhelming desire I have to kiss [REDACTED], or so I say. I've experienced it before; while staring deep into her eyes, at my lowest moments, at her highest, when she glows and the light itself turns into something mundane rather than a miracle of physics and the human eye.
She bit my finger today. Grabbed my hand while we were lounging on the couch, and she showed me the folder of TikTok videos she collects to watch together whenever we have the time to hang out. My index finger to her front teeth. Not her lips—I fear that would've been too homoerotic for her faculties. She doesn't see me that way—just her teeth. She closed them around it, not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to make it real. I don't think anything else has ever made me so... ecstatic. It felt like blooming.
She mimicked the motion two more times in the following ten minutes.
I wish I could recall if this all happened before or after that guy texted her (Isaac pretentious foreign last name). I'm almost certain it was before, I think that makes it worse. She didn't want to talk about it—guys in general—though she slipped that something had been troubling her sometime in the past weeks. A text thing, something she texted ChatGPT about (I now have to swallow my bile as to why she doesn't come to me about it. I wonder if she goes to someone else. If we'll always be these people until something unmakes us.)
She doesn't want to talk about her time sick. That worries me, but I don't know how to bring it up. Oral communication remains a tangled mystery for me to sort.
I seldom write entries regarding her in my journal. Not out of lack of love and devotion—Gods know I have too much of both only for her—but because everything has always been so... certain when it comes to our friendship. We've been continents apart before and were just fine, and yet, I wonder if I've taken it for granted.
Is this the beginning of an undoing? A spiral of silly paranoia where I freak out because she ends her sporadic messages with 'Te quiero' instead of 'Te amo' like we've been doing since we were fourteen, and she told me on our second year of friendship that te quiero was far too weak for what we have? I don't know. And I think I love her far too much to be rational about this.